You guys. So, I know you all think your kids are the most wonderful things since sliced bread, but let me tell you about my Harvey Benjamin. He is quite literally the sweetest boy who has ever lived. I have never met another 4 year old as kind, loving-hearted, mature, helpful, content, sensitive, eager to learn, and so much more. He's amazing and I love him like a crazy person, and can't even believe I get to call him my boy.
Well, last night I had a dream...
I dreamed that our lives were fast-forwarded a couple years and that we were moving in to a new house. We were looking through it and admiring all the things we liked about it and came to a bedroom that we referred to as Amos Wilder's room (our second born). We were like, "Awe Wilder, look at your room! So cute!" But then I realized Harvey wasn't with us. It was like a dream in a dream where I stepped back, saw that scene from our future, and present-me started to panic-- "Wait. Where's Harvey? Why isn't he with us? What happened to him?!" And then I knew, in my dream, that he had gone to be with Jesus.
I woke up that morning, feeling shaken up and nervous of what this dream could mean. I was terrified, to be honest... Was God going to take my boy from me? And I begged God, literally begged Him, all morning to not take him from me. And I snuggled Harv as long as he would possibly let me and told him over and over how much I loved him.
The fear of losing someone I love has always been the one thing that's caused me the most anxiety- namely, the fear of losing my husband or my boys. It's the one fear that I feel like I struggle with most.
I even go through seasons where I feel like I'm on the tips of my toes looking out for what hardship might possibly come my way (feel free to read more about that mess here). But in my fear, the Lord always reminds me that He has blessed me with faith to trust in Him and His plan over anything else should something terrible ever actually happen.
I'd say that my husband and I went through a season of this type of hardship and grief when we experienced two miscarriages in a row a couple years back. And Lordy, Lordy, did God prove himself worthy of ALL my faith and trust in Him. He was so so good to me in that broken time. (If you're anywhere near a season like that, I'd encourage you to go back and read my posts during that time for whatever encouragement they may be worth to you.)
And do I trust that the Lord would be so, so good to me again if/when another hardship inevitably comes up in the future? Most definitely.
But do I want to have to walk through that kind of pain again? Definitely not.
And so I argued with God a bit on it...
"You're not going to take him from me, right? I know he's Yours, but I really want to keep him. Please can I keep him a bit longer? I don't want to have to walk through that pain and tragedy. Jesus, please, please keep him safe today and let him stay with us a bit longer."
And He responded with some hard questions for me...
"Do you believe that I know best? You know that he's mine, right? Do you think he has a better life on earth than he would have in heaven with me?
And some hard truths...
"If I took him, I would use your story to bless many people. Your faith would shine brightly for my name. I promise I would be near you and help you heal. I would feed your soul and comfort you through the pain. You can only see the ache it would cause, but I would bring about joy and beauty from it. Plus, Harv would have an amazing time hanging out in heaven with Me for all the rest of eternity."
And I saw a picture of future-me sharing about our Harvest Benjamin... sharing the story of his life and people hearing it, sensing and seeing God and believing in Him. And I watched the Lord reap a Harvest because of the life of my Harvest Benjamin. That is why we gave him his name, after all. Losing him is just not the way in which we imagined the harvest being reaped, is all.
And the Lord asked me again, "Are you willing to hand him over to me?" And I felt like Abraham climbing the mountain with Isaac, knowing God had asked me to sacrifice my son to Him for His greater plan. And I had to choose only what actually made sense- trusting Him. Because His plan is way higher than our plan, and my kids are even more His kids than they are my kids.
And so I honestly said "Yes, Lord. As much as I can give you a human-sized promise, I promise he's yours and you can do with him as you please."
I still want to hold on to him so badly. My heart still aches at the thought of losing him. But more than I want my boy with me here on earth, I want to trust my great, good, completely-in-control God and to see glory brought to His name. Our time on earth is fleating, after all. A vapor, here then gone. And our time in heaven with Him AND with all our loved ones who have passed on- that's what's forever.
And so I'm resigned to let up on the reigns a bit and relax, knowing his life is never outside of God's hands. And when tempted to fear the "what ifs?", I'll remember EVEN IF. Even if God chose to take my boy from this earth, I know He's still a good, good God. I know He will give me faith to trust Him. I know He's writing a story way bigger than myself. I know His nearness will meet me in my hurt and bring me comfort and unity with Him, and that will bless me and bless others. I know His plans are greater and better than my own. And I'll praise him for an opportunity to grow in trust in Him- that He might call me worthy of suffering in order to strengthen my relationship with Him and bring glory to his name.
For the record, I don't think any of this means I'm going to lose my Harvey-boy. I think the Lord was simply checking my heart. And that He did.
Am I willing? Do I trust Him? Even with the thing I hold most dearly?
I can honestly say my perspective has genuinely shifted from wanting to hold so tightly on to the idea of Harvey never leaving me on this earth to being a mama with open hands, recognizing that all I have is His and so happy to be in the place where He's got the control.
So once again, Yes, Lord. He's all yours. I fully trust you, I really do.
BUT ALSO, I'd love to keep him with me a bit longer. You have made him such a beautiful blessing for our family and I love so much the life and joy he brings to us and so many others. I know You will use him in mighty ways for your Kingdom on this earth.
Well, last night I had a dream...
I dreamed that our lives were fast-forwarded a couple years and that we were moving in to a new house. We were looking through it and admiring all the things we liked about it and came to a bedroom that we referred to as Amos Wilder's room (our second born). We were like, "Awe Wilder, look at your room! So cute!" But then I realized Harvey wasn't with us. It was like a dream in a dream where I stepped back, saw that scene from our future, and present-me started to panic-- "Wait. Where's Harvey? Why isn't he with us? What happened to him?!" And then I knew, in my dream, that he had gone to be with Jesus.
I woke up that morning, feeling shaken up and nervous of what this dream could mean. I was terrified, to be honest... Was God going to take my boy from me? And I begged God, literally begged Him, all morning to not take him from me. And I snuggled Harv as long as he would possibly let me and told him over and over how much I loved him.
The fear of losing someone I love has always been the one thing that's caused me the most anxiety- namely, the fear of losing my husband or my boys. It's the one fear that I feel like I struggle with most.
I even go through seasons where I feel like I'm on the tips of my toes looking out for what hardship might possibly come my way (feel free to read more about that mess here). But in my fear, the Lord always reminds me that He has blessed me with faith to trust in Him and His plan over anything else should something terrible ever actually happen.
I'd say that my husband and I went through a season of this type of hardship and grief when we experienced two miscarriages in a row a couple years back. And Lordy, Lordy, did God prove himself worthy of ALL my faith and trust in Him. He was so so good to me in that broken time. (If you're anywhere near a season like that, I'd encourage you to go back and read my posts during that time for whatever encouragement they may be worth to you.)
And do I trust that the Lord would be so, so good to me again if/when another hardship inevitably comes up in the future? Most definitely.
But do I want to have to walk through that kind of pain again? Definitely not.
And so I argued with God a bit on it...
"You're not going to take him from me, right? I know he's Yours, but I really want to keep him. Please can I keep him a bit longer? I don't want to have to walk through that pain and tragedy. Jesus, please, please keep him safe today and let him stay with us a bit longer."
And He responded with some hard questions for me...
"Do you believe that I know best? You know that he's mine, right? Do you think he has a better life on earth than he would have in heaven with me?
And some hard truths...
"If I took him, I would use your story to bless many people. Your faith would shine brightly for my name. I promise I would be near you and help you heal. I would feed your soul and comfort you through the pain. You can only see the ache it would cause, but I would bring about joy and beauty from it. Plus, Harv would have an amazing time hanging out in heaven with Me for all the rest of eternity."
And I saw a picture of future-me sharing about our Harvest Benjamin... sharing the story of his life and people hearing it, sensing and seeing God and believing in Him. And I watched the Lord reap a Harvest because of the life of my Harvest Benjamin. That is why we gave him his name, after all. Losing him is just not the way in which we imagined the harvest being reaped, is all.
And the Lord asked me again, "Are you willing to hand him over to me?" And I felt like Abraham climbing the mountain with Isaac, knowing God had asked me to sacrifice my son to Him for His greater plan. And I had to choose only what actually made sense- trusting Him. Because His plan is way higher than our plan, and my kids are even more His kids than they are my kids.
And so I honestly said "Yes, Lord. As much as I can give you a human-sized promise, I promise he's yours and you can do with him as you please."
I still want to hold on to him so badly. My heart still aches at the thought of losing him. But more than I want my boy with me here on earth, I want to trust my great, good, completely-in-control God and to see glory brought to His name. Our time on earth is fleating, after all. A vapor, here then gone. And our time in heaven with Him AND with all our loved ones who have passed on- that's what's forever.
And so I'm resigned to let up on the reigns a bit and relax, knowing his life is never outside of God's hands. And when tempted to fear the "what ifs?", I'll remember EVEN IF. Even if God chose to take my boy from this earth, I know He's still a good, good God. I know He will give me faith to trust Him. I know He's writing a story way bigger than myself. I know His nearness will meet me in my hurt and bring me comfort and unity with Him, and that will bless me and bless others. I know His plans are greater and better than my own. And I'll praise him for an opportunity to grow in trust in Him- that He might call me worthy of suffering in order to strengthen my relationship with Him and bring glory to his name.
For the record, I don't think any of this means I'm going to lose my Harvey-boy. I think the Lord was simply checking my heart. And that He did.
Am I willing? Do I trust Him? Even with the thing I hold most dearly?
I can honestly say my perspective has genuinely shifted from wanting to hold so tightly on to the idea of Harvey never leaving me on this earth to being a mama with open hands, recognizing that all I have is His and so happy to be in the place where He's got the control.
So once again, Yes, Lord. He's all yours. I fully trust you, I really do.
BUT ALSO, I'd love to keep him with me a bit longer. You have made him such a beautiful blessing for our family and I love so much the life and joy he brings to us and so many others. I know You will use him in mighty ways for your Kingdom on this earth.
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