We made it home just fine- with my arm and back slightly stronger after my Target mom workout- and I laid Amos down for a nap. He woke up later that day feeling worse and with a much higher fever and eventually threw up all over the floor. Clearly, he was having a hard time.
I did what I typically do for my kids in these scenarios- I pray for them.
I prayed out loud and told God I knew what He was capable of- that He's in control and can choose to make my Amos well- and I asked Him to please do that for us so my babe didn't have to feel so crappy. I used all the faith I could on that prayer, fully believing in the healing power of my God.
It didn't work. The next day Amos was just so pitiful and sad and sick all day.
When I pray like this and ask God to be the God I know He is for me, I don't feel like I'm lacking in faith. I feel very confident that what I'm asking He is capable of. And I feel like because that's true He should honor my prayer and give me what I'm asking, right? Anyone else?
My logical brain feels like I'm doing the right things and now I'm waiting for God to come through on His end of the deal. And when He doesn't? I get frustrated. (hashtag not holy)
Just being super transparent here... I know that God has authority over sickness and over the enemy and that every bit of this world is in His control, so why wouldn't He just give me what I'm asking?
I found myself slightly frustrated all that day, and each time I prayed, I asked for healing a little more desperately and with a little less faith.
Then, that night, as I sat in the armchair beside sicky-Amos's bed and watched him drift off to sleep, I talked to God some more. I told Him I was frustrated and complained that He wasn't answering my prayers like I wanted. And as I vented to Him, the Spirit shifted my perspective and I saw a new viewpoint of the whole thing.
...I realized that all of this time I could have had a very different type of heart about asking for healing...
Through it all, I hadn't felt close to God because I was confused by Him and that led my heart away from Him. But I needed to be close to Him. When things are hard and I'm needing some grace and relief, that's when my heart most desperately needs to be close to Him.
That's when I need to be focused on less of the fix for my problem and on more of the God who not only has the power to fix, but also is undoubtedly working out good from every bit of the mess, and most definitely has good planned for me through the storm if I'll only be willing to open my eyes and see it.
I want to ask Him to meet me in the midst of the mess. To see the hard thing in front of me and embrace the opportunity to rely on my God. I want to rely on Him to be my constant peace when the enemy is doing his best/worst work to disrupt that, to rely on him to be my source of love for both of my needy boys when I'm exhausted, to rely on him to be my strength when I feel like I just need a break from fevers and barf and a clingy toddler. He is all of those things, and He wants to be all of those things for me, always.
And even more than that, I get a chance to model that type of reliance on Him to my kids and teach them to run to Him in the storms in the same way. I can ask Him to meet my babies there- in the same place- in the midst of the fever, or the fear, or the trial, or the pain. I know Him well to be so faithful and kind to do that for me, and I want to speak that to my kids and to see them grow to trust Him in the same way.
And so, after all that, I changed my prayer from, "God, will you please fix this?" to "God, allow me to stay near to you through this, to rely on you and depend on you and to be expectant of your blessings that will surely come through this. I know what the enemy plans for evil you have for my good."
I'm truly grateful for the reminder that all I need is found in Jesus. The answer isn't found in perfect health or a smooth life, it's found only in Him. He's Always Always working for our good. When it seems the devil is gaining some ground, it's never outside of God's hand- if we love and follow Him.
My heart and perspective were changed about Amos last night. I stopped simply begging God for healing and started trusting He was good and near no matter what. And wouldn't you know, Amos slept all night and woke up without a fever! I don't think that's a coincidence, right there.
And so, what are your things?
What is it you're facing right now - that you've been waiting for relief from - and may need to shift your focus from simply the solution to the faithful God who carries us through the storm and trial?
Let's rely on Him to be all we need, no matter what. Let's be expectant of the ways He's working out blessings and goodness for us, right here and now!
Let's maybe even be grateful for an opportunity to lean into Him as our strong support... to know Him for all of who He is and allow Him to be all He desires to be for us. Amen?!
"For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless toward Him..." -2 Chronicles 16:9
"And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered for a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." - 1 Peter 5:10 ❤
Do you guys like gospel music?? Me too.
And Lauren Daigle, too. Duh.
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