But I'm gonna go ahead and make a fool of myself anyway and share this with you guys. Because I was blessed by what I learned and maybe you will be too...
I always looked ahead at my future life as a mom imagining somewhere around 6 kids, all close in age, running around the house while I stood in the kitchen and prepared dinner for their cute little faces. I know they have cute faces because in my imaginary scenario, they would pass through the kitchen mess, running who knows where, and glance up at me with a big sweet-cheeked smile before continuing to run off- because, clearly, I'm their mom and they love me oh so much.
With this in mind, I always expected and desired to pop out a lot of kids rather quickly and close together. I wanted them to all be buddies and have similar interests and go through high school together. And I wanted to have a lot of them.
It wasn't until recently, though, that I realized why exactly I saw and wanted things this way. And it wasn't until the 2 miscarriages following the birth of our first son that I stopped to wonder if it would even be possible for this dream to become a reality.
When you have a healthy baby, you only expect following pregnancies to go the same way, but when we lost two of our little loves following the arrival of our Harvey-boy, I was left feeling anxious to grow our family and discouraged at the idea that our future kids- God willing- wouldn't be as close in age as I wanted. Or even worse, maybe I wouldn't even ever have the experience of birthing another child of my own. These were thoughts I never knew I should consider before, but now in doing so, I've learned a lot about myself, where my heart was at, and the expectations that I had come to believe of what it means to be a mom.
I realized that I don't feel like much of a mom today with only one child, because my life is really pretty easy right now. Harvey just kinda chills and entertains himself while I'm in the kitchen or folding laundry. And for the most part throughout the day, he's a very compliant and mild mannered kid. Our house stays relatively clean and overall is very peaceful. Certainly, this isn't what real moms experience, right? Real moms have kids running all around the house like animals let loose with squeals and loud music and banging toys and it's crazy and amazing and full and fun all at the same time. Cause mom handles them all and cares for them all and loves them well and kisses their owwies and sends them off smiling back into the mass of other kids while cheerily finishing up dinner by 5:30.
But I only have one... so I'm not really a mom yet.
Ahem. That's bull crap! I made all of it up.
1) That's DEF not reality- I've babysat 6 kids at a time before and have too many mom friends with 2 or more kids to believe that life is always that pretty
2) somewhere in my path of life I believed that's what it would take to be esteemed and highly valued as a mother. But nowhere will I find proof that that is truth.
My perspective was being influenced by something outside of the truth of the Lord and of simple reality in general. I know now that I am as much of a mom to one kid as I would be to 2 or 6 or more. It's not the number of children that measure the value of a mom. Instead, it could be measured by intentionality, nurturing, training, loving care, and a host of other things that I'm sure I will come to learn with time. Or maybe there's not even a measure for it... who knows. Either way, I was wrong in my thinking.
So I've learned some things. I know now that I want to be grateful for what I have right in front of me- an amazing baby boy who adores his momma, and days full of precious time spent together with him. And it's so easy to be grateful when I think about the reality of what I have.
And isn't that just true for anything in life that we find a lack of contentment in?
We are crazily and highly blessed people. There is just no way around that. There will always, ALWAYS be something to be grateful for in the midst of discouragement of any kind. And most often that gratefulness is found in the same place that discontentment is threatening to creep in.
Can we take a moment to recognize all that we are truly and richly blessed with? Man, God is good and our lives are so good and we have been given so much. Let's walk in that. Let's remember that our ideal for our lives and what we think might make our lives "best" is not always what's in the Lord's perfect plan for us. But that we are able to find true joy and contentment with exactly what we have in front of us.
I would still like to have more kids. I still would love to be that mom in the kitchen tripping over running children. But I'm not anxious for it anymore and I don't feel like I need it anymore. I'm content and at peace and truly grateful with the amazing family that the Lord has blessed me with.
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