And, actually, when I wrote that I kinda did feel that way. I felt like "Man, for having just miscarried my second baby in a row, I really feel great. I must really have a good perspective on all this."
But I don't feel like I have it all together today... Or yesterday... And I'm sure I won't tomorrow either.
My circumstance added to that, I'm sure. We found out 4 weeks ago our Little Debbie no longer had a heartbeat, and I told myself back then that it wasn't worth trying to grieve when we had no idea how long my body would take to for the miscarriage process to actually be over. And I'm glad that was my mindset... It's because of that mindset that I was able to seek the Lord in that time, enjoy my days with Harvey and for the most part really be ok in the waiting. And then the waiting was over and I just felt so relieved to not be in limbo any more that I honestly felt happy and strong and like everything was finally going to be great and back to normal. But I realized pretty quickly that I never really picked up where I left off with the grieving process.
I thought at first, when I wasn't feeling very sad, that maybe I just was so secure in all that truth that I typed out in my last post. That my babes were with Jesus, He's really good, and because I believe that maybe I just don't really need to grieve.
But then last night happened...
For starters Mother's Day is tomorrow and that's already such a sensitive thing. Last year I was mom to one, this year I'm mom to three. I only get to see and snuggle my one, but I know that in the deepest part of me, I'm mom to two others who aren't here with me. I've realized that I don't picture them as infants but instead as little girls twirling around in dresses. So I don't feel sad when I see little babies, but I do feel sad when I see sweet little toddler girls with long hair, running around and wearing floral. Last night someone else's precious little girl in her teeny little dress came twirling in the room singing at the top of her lungs, and I wanted to lose it. It wasn't until seeing her that I remembered that grief I felt when we lost Mabel and the grief I felt when we heard the news that we lost Little Debbie too. It all came flooding back onto me in that moment, and I didn't feel strong anymore.
I don't feel strong anymore.
I still 100% believe everything I wrote in my last post. I believe that the Lord is beyond good and has so much good for me and my babies. I feel really content and secure in the fact that even though they're not here with me, it's really ok. They're somewhere better and that's so good for them and I'm happy for them that they have that. But man, my heart is just broken and sad all at the same time.
I feel like I've imagined each of them with their own personality and even what they each might look like, so I can see them. I can see them in my mind's eye twirling in their dresses, but I don't get to see them here, in this life, and as ok as that is, it makes me so so sad.
I didn't want to just leave where I left off in my last post and let anyone out there who might read it feel like you shouldn't need to grieve. You really should... At first I didn't want to think I needed to. But now I know I do.
I think about Jesus weeping for Lazarus when he passed away and I wonder why He did... But if for no other reason, it's just sad. It's hard to lose someone your heart loves, even when there is hope.
And there totally is SO much hope, so I'm not taking back any of that really good stuff that I wrote the other day... It's all so true. But I think I'm learning as I go that no matter how well you know the Lord and trust Him and believe what He says, it's still sad and worth grieving over. And that's ok.
So I want to let my heart feel and grieve for my Mabel and Deb however it needs. And as I do that, I also want to- as best I can- remember the truth and the peace of the Lord that surely accompanies that grief.
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