I look back at the beginning weeks and months of his first year of life and I remember feeling so lost and separated from reality- like the world was spinning around me but I was standing still, dazed by it as it all whizzed by. I can point to specific reasons for a lot of that, most of which are very legitimate. But I've also caught myself using those feelings as an excuse, too.
Like, I know I've had enough sleep and could get up for the day but I just had a baby, I should sleep as much as I can. Or, i could try to make an effort to make mommy friends, but my baby is all I really care about so I don't need them. Plus, that would be uncomfortable. Or, I know I could make a point to cook a nice dinner or suggest a date night with my husband, but my body is just so tired and I don't want to do anything. Or the kicker, i know my relationship with the Lord isn't where it used to be, but there's grace, right? I just need some time to catch up because of how crazy life has been.
Yes, life gets crazy. Yes, I did have a baby. And yes, there is grace. But a YEAR has gone by and I've only recently realized that I've allowed myself to stay in that dazed state relying on excuses and not moving forward.
I've very slowly crept forward in terms of making friends and loving my husband well- those things tend to happen because life lets them happen. But man, waking up at a decent time to spend some QT with the Lord is such a hard habit to step back in to after having a kid.
I felt myself just not caring to pursue that time with the Lord. It was in a way that was so contrary to my personality and like I've never experienced before. I really just didn't care.
There were points when I tried to care. I really did. But I didn't know how to inspire that passion or even just some sort of desire in myself. My husband had expressed feeling this way in the past but I never understood it and definitely never thought I would be in the same place. But there I was. It's a real thing and it happens to all of us.
I tried adding devotion time during naps, but that wasn't going anywhere fast (naps ver work out like they're supposed to). I tried playing only worship music in the house, but it just went in one ear and out the other. I tried reminding myself of why God is worth my love and time and worship, but for some reason I didn't fully believe it.
It wasn't until I committed to letting go of myself and the funk I was in and my "rights" as a new mom or whatever else that I was able to appreciate time with the Lord again. But the curveball here is that I kind of had to force it. I faked it for awhile.
Sometimes you have to form a new habit to train your mind a certain way. And sometimes you have to have time with the Lord even if you're not really wanting to have time with the Lord.
I had to force myself to get up, to keep my eyes open, to write something down, or to list out prayers before I started to find joy in that time with Him again.
I used some really great resources to help, and If you're finding yourself in a funk like I was, I highly recommend them. I got my hands on a prayer journal from valmariepaper.com and a devotional from naptimediariesshop.com. They're both so great.
Ok, now here's the even more honest part. i'm still no where near where I know I can be in my intimacy with the Lord. I want to have Him in my thoughts as i hang out with Harv all day and I want to be praying for my friends and family as they randomly pop in my mind. But I just don't even think like that yet.
I believe I will. I believe it's a process just like any other relationship. So I'll keep steppin' along, doing what I know I can to nurture my love for Him, all the while asking Him to enter my heart by His Spirit and take over my soul once again.
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