In my previous post, I shared about the news of our second miscarriage (our Little Debbie), how I dealt with that news through many tears coupled with an overwhelming sense of the peace of the Lord, and how we decided to wait for my body to naturally carry out the process as opposed to opting for a D&C.
It was 4 weeks ago that we learned our little Deb had passed. And just yesterday morning, my body began to show symptoms of the miscarriage finally taking place.
I woke up early that morning with cramping and bleeding and shortly after we decided to head to the ER as I felt the bleeding was too much and I was feeling nauseous and light headed.
Our prayer had been that my body could take care of the process naturally without needing medical intervention, and for the most part that was true. The doctors helped speed the process along- due to my loss of blood- with the help of a pelvic exam. I felt them remove my baby. I saw them place her teeny little body in a bucket, identify her as the fetus, and then wheel her away. It was so strange and surreal... watching them carry away my unborn child. It was at that point that I felt more emotion and sorrow at the fact that my baby was gone than I had since we heard the news, but at the same time I knew that little body wasn't my baby girl. I knew that wasn't her life and it wasn't her soul because in that very same moment I know she was rejoicing in heaven at the fact that she was with Jesus. So I was shaken up, overwhelmed and grieved, yes, but at the same time, again, I felt peace.
I don't think I could have had the same mindset if things would've happened this time around like they did when I miscarried Mabel. Mabel's loss was so sudden- she was here one moment and gone the next. But with Debbie, we learned 4 weeks ago that she wasn't going to be ours on this earth. SO much time had passed since that 12 week ultrasound that, man, the Lord was able to talk to my heart so much. He let me know just how happy He was to have her with Him, how He found such enjoyment from her and how she was free and alive dancing in His presence. He showed me that she and her sister, Mabel, were standing alongside the angel armies, in the center of His throne room, praising our Lord for the good, good God that He is and giving Him all the glory that He's due. And I'm not kidding, when He showed me that, I literally felt honored that He might consider my babes worthy of jumping strait from my womb into His glory to be devoted to His worship and to be in His presence.
And you know what else? This whole process has given me such an amazing opportunity to rely on and trust in the Lord. I had no idea I could feel so close to Him and reliant on Him until something that demanded I do so entered my life. And I say this truthfully, it's totally worth it to know the Lord better than I did before and to be able to trust Him on a completely different level because of it.
Have you lost a babe too? I'm telling you, they are in the best possible place in this entire universe and beyond- doing exactly as their souls were intended to do and enjoying every single second of it. I'm getting weird here, I know, but I so believe this and I want to say that if you can believe this too, there is SO much hope that can come from it. SO much hope.
It's not about me anymore. It's not about the babies that were supposed to be mine... they were never actually mine, they were always His. The life that He intended for them is just something different than what I expected. But man, it is WAY better than what I expected for them. They are surrounded 100% by the perfection and presence of the very one who loved them so much that He gave every last bit of Himself for them.
Yes, I am sad they aren't with me. I cry for them and I miss them and I would have loved to experience life with them. But I know for sure that I will get to experience eternity with them. Life here is a tiny blip, eternity is forever. Life here is messy, full of hurt and pain. It's also beautiful, yes, but heaven is incredibly more beautiful. And my soul is expectant to be there with them, giving glory to the Lord alongside them.
I've read a lot of blog posts about women's stories of their miscarriages. Most of them have essentially said that they found more gratefulness in their many blessings on earth, and that they were able to make it through because God "was with them." My thing here, though, is that I want to be grateful, yes, for what I have in this world, but also for the fact that these babies are not mine in this world. I'm grateful that they are His, more importantly than they are mine! And so I rejoice that they are with Him. It's a hard, hard thing to just think and believe... it takes time and, honestly, help from the Lord, 'cause you know these momma hearts don't let go easily. But this is where our Lord is so practical, too... that He's not just "with us" generally. He's with us so specifically. He speaks to our hearts. He gives us His peace when we don't know where to find it. He reveals His truths to us to be comfort to us and to allow our hearts to more fully trust Him.
I think I've shared how He's done that for me. And I only hope that if you're in a similar spot, that you could be able to allow Him to be that specific and near to you as well. Again, sister, it's hard. I know the pain well. But as hard as it is, He is better. And as sad as it is, there is so much more joy in heaven. I pray you can believe that.
Please don't hear that I'm some super Christian who just gets all of this easily. I didn't share a whole lot about my struggles when I wrote about our first miscarriage, but there is such a contrast with this loss as compared to the first one. When we lost Mabel, I was a wreck for weeks. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to pray, I was just hurt and confused and angry. I know what it's like to experience a miscarriage that's overthrown with depression, seclusion and deep, deep grief. But I've also experienced what the difference looks like when there is reliance on and comfort from the Lord in the midst of that pain. I hope my words are an encouragement that even in the midst of the worst pain, the Lord longs to be near, that He will be near when we call on Him, and that no matter the suffering in this world, there is an eternal, heavenly world the Lord is preparing for us- free of all tears and heartache and pain that is waiting for us just around the corner. And that alone is worth hoping for.
I woke up early that morning with cramping and bleeding and shortly after we decided to head to the ER as I felt the bleeding was too much and I was feeling nauseous and light headed.
Our prayer had been that my body could take care of the process naturally without needing medical intervention, and for the most part that was true. The doctors helped speed the process along- due to my loss of blood- with the help of a pelvic exam. I felt them remove my baby. I saw them place her teeny little body in a bucket, identify her as the fetus, and then wheel her away. It was so strange and surreal... watching them carry away my unborn child. It was at that point that I felt more emotion and sorrow at the fact that my baby was gone than I had since we heard the news, but at the same time I knew that little body wasn't my baby girl. I knew that wasn't her life and it wasn't her soul because in that very same moment I know she was rejoicing in heaven at the fact that she was with Jesus. So I was shaken up, overwhelmed and grieved, yes, but at the same time, again, I felt peace.
I don't think I could have had the same mindset if things would've happened this time around like they did when I miscarried Mabel. Mabel's loss was so sudden- she was here one moment and gone the next. But with Debbie, we learned 4 weeks ago that she wasn't going to be ours on this earth. SO much time had passed since that 12 week ultrasound that, man, the Lord was able to talk to my heart so much. He let me know just how happy He was to have her with Him, how He found such enjoyment from her and how she was free and alive dancing in His presence. He showed me that she and her sister, Mabel, were standing alongside the angel armies, in the center of His throne room, praising our Lord for the good, good God that He is and giving Him all the glory that He's due. And I'm not kidding, when He showed me that, I literally felt honored that He might consider my babes worthy of jumping strait from my womb into His glory to be devoted to His worship and to be in His presence.
And you know what else? This whole process has given me such an amazing opportunity to rely on and trust in the Lord. I had no idea I could feel so close to Him and reliant on Him until something that demanded I do so entered my life. And I say this truthfully, it's totally worth it to know the Lord better than I did before and to be able to trust Him on a completely different level because of it.
Have you lost a babe too? I'm telling you, they are in the best possible place in this entire universe and beyond- doing exactly as their souls were intended to do and enjoying every single second of it. I'm getting weird here, I know, but I so believe this and I want to say that if you can believe this too, there is SO much hope that can come from it. SO much hope.
It's not about me anymore. It's not about the babies that were supposed to be mine... they were never actually mine, they were always His. The life that He intended for them is just something different than what I expected. But man, it is WAY better than what I expected for them. They are surrounded 100% by the perfection and presence of the very one who loved them so much that He gave every last bit of Himself for them.
Yes, I am sad they aren't with me. I cry for them and I miss them and I would have loved to experience life with them. But I know for sure that I will get to experience eternity with them. Life here is a tiny blip, eternity is forever. Life here is messy, full of hurt and pain. It's also beautiful, yes, but heaven is incredibly more beautiful. And my soul is expectant to be there with them, giving glory to the Lord alongside them.
I've read a lot of blog posts about women's stories of their miscarriages. Most of them have essentially said that they found more gratefulness in their many blessings on earth, and that they were able to make it through because God "was with them." My thing here, though, is that I want to be grateful, yes, for what I have in this world, but also for the fact that these babies are not mine in this world. I'm grateful that they are His, more importantly than they are mine! And so I rejoice that they are with Him. It's a hard, hard thing to just think and believe... it takes time and, honestly, help from the Lord, 'cause you know these momma hearts don't let go easily. But this is where our Lord is so practical, too... that He's not just "with us" generally. He's with us so specifically. He speaks to our hearts. He gives us His peace when we don't know where to find it. He reveals His truths to us to be comfort to us and to allow our hearts to more fully trust Him.
I think I've shared how He's done that for me. And I only hope that if you're in a similar spot, that you could be able to allow Him to be that specific and near to you as well. Again, sister, it's hard. I know the pain well. But as hard as it is, He is better. And as sad as it is, there is so much more joy in heaven. I pray you can believe that.
Please don't hear that I'm some super Christian who just gets all of this easily. I didn't share a whole lot about my struggles when I wrote about our first miscarriage, but there is such a contrast with this loss as compared to the first one. When we lost Mabel, I was a wreck for weeks. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to pray, I was just hurt and confused and angry. I know what it's like to experience a miscarriage that's overthrown with depression, seclusion and deep, deep grief. But I've also experienced what the difference looks like when there is reliance on and comfort from the Lord in the midst of that pain. I hope my words are an encouragement that even in the midst of the worst pain, the Lord longs to be near, that He will be near when we call on Him, and that no matter the suffering in this world, there is an eternal, heavenly world the Lord is preparing for us- free of all tears and heartache and pain that is waiting for us just around the corner. And that alone is worth hoping for.
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