Miscarriage was something I had witnessed from a distance before, but I had never fully understood the depth and weight of it and definitely never thought it could happen to us. So when it did, it felt very foreign and crazy and unreal and just hard. Nothing can really prepare you for something like that, though... and I learned quickly that it's nearly impossible to understand until you've gone through it yourself.
I remember coming home from the doctor, weepy and crushed, and just sitting and staring off in the distance- not knowing what to think or how to process any part of what just happened. And for a couple weeks I stayed there. Just weepy... that's the best way to describe it. I had no idea the loss of an itty bitty 6 week old unborn baby could cause so much heartfelt grief, and I had no idea what to do with it.
Thank the good Lord for friends of mine who love me and reached out to me and let me know what was normal and ok to do and feel in that time.
We were encouraged to name her and to commemorate her with an item or piece of jewelry that would be specific to her and serve as a reminder of our love for her. It felt counterintuitive at first- like instead, I thought an item would only make me hurt worse when I caught a glimpse of it, but it really has been very healing to have those things that are "Mabel's things." They make me smile when I see them, and sometimes shed a tear, but only because of my love for her. And I love the reminder that my momma's heart has another baby to love even if she doesn't get to be in this world with us.
We call her a "she" because I felt certain she was a girl. I remember a very specific point, about a week before the miscarriage when I was driving and I felt in my heart out of nowhere, 'I'm having a girl.' I believe that was the Lord giving me some divine wisdom because He knew how important it would be to me through the grieving process. Giving her a name, imagining her personality and granting her some sort of life in this world has helped me to recognize the life that she did have and the fact that she was and is, indeed, a whole, precious little person with a tangible place in this world and our hearts.
The name we chose for her is really close to my heart, too.
Mabel Ray.
I didn't even have to think about it- it was already there. I had been telling my husband that if we ever had a girl she would be Mabel for no reason other than I loved that name (he was on board with the idea which was crazy in itself. ha. He and I don't agree very well on baby names). Mabel means beautiful and when I think about her, that's what I think about- how crazy beautiful she is. The middle name Ray came out of a prayer I had been praying for her from very early in my pregnancy. I felt the Lord gave me the word "light" in regards to her life, so my prayer for her had been that she would be a ray of light in this world. And that's still my prayer for her. Although she may not be with us, I'm grateful her memory is light and bright like a ray of sunshine in our lives and I pray that her story can be a light for others who may be struggling through a similar circumstance.
It's been 6 months now since she passed, so if I seem like I'm doing surprisingly well, just know it's taken a lot of time and prayer and reflection and reminders of God's goodness and truth that has gotten me here. It's also taken me 6 months to write this blog post, so there's that too. hehe.
This little box is something my so-very-thoughtful husband put together as a gift for me, in order for us to commemorate Mabel. Is it not the sweetest thing?
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